


Not enough

by ShadoWolf55



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, Divorce, F/F, Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 22:52:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14091465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadoWolf55/pseuds/ShadoWolf55
Summary: "I want a divorce.""No."--"I can't move on.""But I have."--OITNB, vauseman. Very un-canon whoops.





	Not enough

You collapse on the ground, eyes swollen, heart raging and mind a complete mess. You don’t how to feel. She was your pillar of support, she was all you had. And now she was gone.

The two of you had been perfect, helping one another, loving one another. You loved her and she loved you. Your friends often teased how you were both the description of true love. And you believe it. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, you wanted to be with her every waking moment, till the day you die.

But you guess that would never happened now.

It all happened in a flash. One moment you were smiling and looking forward to spending the weekend with her and the next, you are on the ground, crying, begging her to stay.

_"I love you so much, please don’t leave me." You grab her leg and pray that she wouldn’t walk out through that door._

_She removes her wedding ring and puts in in your hand._

_"I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. I want a divorce."_

_"No. No. NO. I won’t give you a divorce!"_

_The tears are spilling from your eyes and you are not holding back anymore. You pulled her to you by the waist, in hopes to get her back with a kiss. You lean in and press your lips against hers. It is rough, hot and desperate but she pulls away almost immediately._

_"I can’t do this. Please, let me go."_

_"Don’t go."_

_"I’m sorry, I really love you but this is for the best."_

_"Don’t. Please."_

_You can sense that she is holding back tears and all you want to do is comfort her, but she is walking away. You tightened your grip on the wedding ring in your palm and chase after her, yelling at her to stop. She looks back one last time, a pained expression on her face before she gets in her car - the car you bought for her last christmas - and speeds off into the distance._

_You stand on the porch and watch the silhouette fade away. Your knees give way and you collapse weak and heartbroken._

_She left you. She left you._

Enraged, you slammed the door and grabbed a bottle of wine, letting the bitterness burn your throat. You are angry at yourself, at her, at the world for doing this. You are nothing without her. She keeps you alive. Being around her is like coming for air when you’re drowning.

You had 8 years of happy and perfect marriage. It was all thrown away because of a simple mistake. A simple error. You hated yourself for doing this to her. Maybe you were never enough, maybe you weren’t good enough for her. She was famous, well known, oscar winning actress and what were you? Part of an international drug cartel. Right.

She loves him. She doesn’t love you anymore.

You aren’t good enough. You can’t give her family.

You had messed up your marriage, taking up all those risky projects. Of course she felt unloved, of course she felt forgotten and uncared for. You left her alone for so many weekends, of course she decided to go out to a bar, of course she decided having a one night stand would be a good idea when you rarely even slept with her.

Of course she fell in love with him. He was committed to love her, he was willing to give up everything to be with her, he could give her a family. And what could you do? Absolutely nothing. All you were capable of was losing 8 years of joy in an hour.

You collapsed on the bed, partially drunk and a total wreck. The bed smelt like her, the room still had some of her old clothes. You grab her hoodie and placed it on your chest. The familiar fragrance filled your nostrils immediately and tears threatened to fall. You closed your eyes and willed yourself to sleep. Maybe this was just a nightmare. Maybe everything will turn out to be better tomorrow. Maybe you would get her back tomorrow.

All you could do was hope.

You don’t turn up for work the next day. You lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering where it all went wrong, trying to figure out how you can make it better.

Your best friend calls you repeatedly a week later but you don’t respond. Nicky finally forces you to open the door and you breakdown in her arms. You miss her, you want her so much, you cannot live with her gone.

"I’m so sorry, Alex."

Nicky comforts you and make you some dinner. You refuse. You don’t want to. She forces you and tries to talk some sense into you. Just as you give in, your phone rings.

"She filed for a divorce. Can I meet you tomorrow?"

You slam your phone against the table and slumped against the sofa. Was it official now? Did she really mean what she said? Did you now have no chance at getting her back?

Your friend rushes over but you try to act fine. You don’t need Nicky worrying, you don’t need anyone else to be involved in your marriage. You don’t know how long more you can take this. You grab the phone and punch in the numbers

"Do you need to meet me?"

"Preferably, we have to settle assests and property."

"Give her everything she wants. 

"Are you sure?"

"Just, give her."

You are tired, exhausted, you don’t want to fight her. You are already broken and hurt, you don’t want any court fights to destroy whatever is left of you. She can have what she wants. She can be happy. So long as she is happy, so will you be. You love her that much, you just wish she will come back to you.

Your divorce is finalised a week later. It was simple, smooth. You get your house and she gets the beach house. She takes her car and some personal belongings. The money and assets is split evenly but honestly you don’t care anymore. You just want all this pain to end. 

You grab another bottle, in hopes it will numb the pain. The sinking feeling in your heart doesn’t get any better. You can feel yourself drowning, sinking deeper and deeper in the ocean and for once, there is no one to pull you up.

You return to work, it is the only thing that can take you mind of her. You start flirting with other coworkers, going out with a couple women but you can’t commit. You never let them stay overnight, you never let them kiss you. You are frustrated, annoyed that she did this to you.

You hate her. You hate that you still love her. You want to move on and forget about her but you can’t. She haunts you, she haunts your dreams, you see her everywhere you go and you hate it.

You decide moving to another country was for the best. You grab some things, quit the cartel despite Fahri telling you not to and board the first plane to London.

London is nice, the weather is cool and the people are friendly. You stand out because of your accents but your neighbours are nice enough to help you around for the first couple weeks. You rent a house with another women and you feel yourself falling in love with her. That’s a first, you never felt this way after she left you.

Maybe you were finally moving on.

Your roommate makes a move and you go on dates with her. You like her company, you like having her around. She is a fashion designer and the two of you have similar tastes. You even volunteer to renovate the apartment when you have time. She kisses you after the third date and you actually enjoy it. You let her take you, you let her stay overnight in your bed. For once, you finally forget about your ex-wife.

You are building a life with your new girlfriend. She is perfect for you, attractive, kind, comedic. She understands you very well and she loves you completely. You love her too. You started an architecture firm and it is thriving in Londond, you have several branches and you are making a name for yourself. Many people are coming to you with special requests. You reconsider your decision and decide to do this right. You make sure you never have any work over the weekend. You spend the time with her. You cherish the time with her.

A year later, the two of you move out to a bigger home. It looks similar to the home you once had but you don’t let that bother you. You focus on your girlfriend and how she is so good to you. She knows your past, your pain and your fears. You know she’s trying not to push you but you can sense it.

She wants to marry you.

She pops the question and you reject her. You are not ready, you can’t do this. You thought you had moved on but in reality, you haven’t. She still haunts you subconsciously, she still has your heart, she is the only person you want to be with.

Your girlfriend looks at you.

"Is it because of her?"

You don’t want to look up, you are scared at what you will say. You have to move on, you have to give up. Your ex-wife had remarried. She’s with the man she fell in love with. She has kids and you need to get a life of your own.

"I’m not ready."

"Will you ever be?"

You don’t know the answer to the question. You hesitate and she notices.

"You know I can’t stay around you if you will never be ready."

"I’m sorry."

You really are and you give her one last kiss before taking your belongings and leaving. You owe the house at least, you messed with her, toyed with her feelings.

Or maybe you are just a sadist, torturing yourself with feelings you shouldn’t have for her. At least one thing has changed, you never turned to drugs, after she left you, after your recent girlfriend left you.

You still stay in London however, you move to another neighbourhood, set up another branch there and once again, try to convince yourself to move on. You choose to focus on work instead, you become very successful your business is blooming. You are getting recognised as unique, modern and innovative. You are featured on covers of magazines, reporters are fighting to get interviews with you. You are getting many applicants for jobs, people are willing to pay millions to hire you.

You finally have everything you possibly dreamed of.

Except her. You still don’t  have her. Yet you still want her.

It has been exactly 6 years since she left you. You know she has been doing well, you search her up a couple of times. She has played lead actress in multiple blockbuster films and you’ve watched them all. She is happy, she is in a loving commited relationship. Her husband loves her. Her 2 boys are in elementary school and they look adorable. You just wish they were your children. You just wish she was still married to you.

Your best friend drops by a couple days later, you barely recognise him having not seen him for so long.

"You doing fine?"

"Had a girl, 3 years. She asked, I said no."

"You need to move on."

"I tried, but I can’t. I feel like I’m cheating on her. I still love her and that’s the problem. I moved halfway across the world to try to get away but everything just reminds me of her. I can’t stop thinking about her. Even when I was with other women. I can’t."

"She re-married a long time ago."

"I know, I just- I just wish she never left. I just wish we could have worked it out. I wish she stayed. I can’t move on. I tried so hard. So many beautiful women out there that are probably just as good as her but I can’t."

Another year passes, you had won the Pritzker Architecture Prize when you thought you actually had no chance. Your designs are getting featured round the way, you thought last year was hectic and this year just got better. Your friends and family are calling you up, congratulating you.

But you are just waiting for one call. Her call. It never comes and you feel empty. Sure, success and awards are fine but what’s the joy if she isn’t there to celebrate with you.

On your supposed 15th wedding anniversary, you finally can’t hold back. You turn up at her front door and stand there, debating whether you should press the doorbell. Her house was breathtaking, the view of the sea was simply marvellous and you can vaguely see a beautiful garden behind the house. Yet, you know that it’s not her style. Hers is more retro and one of a kind, not simple white houses that look similar to the ones in the neighbourhood.

You fight a battle between your body and mind. Your heart and body screams for you to open the door, spill all your feelings out to her but your mind wills yourself to stay away. You know nothing good will come out of it, in fact, you might just get hurt further.

You can’t. You can’t do this to her anymore. Yet your body aches, throbs, pulses just at the thought of her. You can’t move on like that. You can’t just forget about her. You just love to torture yourself, your emotions are suffering a raging war inside and you are at a complete loss at what to do. You stretch out your hand then retreat a couple of steps.

You close your eyes and press the doorbell, praying that she won’t open the door.

She does.

"… Alex?"

You stand there rooted, unable to move. She is still as pretty as she was, she looks amazing, young and youthful, like motherhood had never done anything to her. You know she looked fabulous on screen but you never thought it would be the same in real life. How many years have passed since you saw her standing right in front of you?

You mouth opens but no words come out. She gives you a puzzled look and invites you in. You try to decline but she insists.

"He’s not home."

You sit down on her couch, it isn’t as soft the one you used to share with her. The interior design wasn’t bad but it was bothering you. It wasn’t her. This house wasn’t her. And she knows that you know that.

"It was his idea."

Your hand touches her and you feel the electricity rush through you. Your heart is banging against your ribcage and the feelings you tried to bottle up come rushing out again.

"I know I’m the last person you want to see and I’m sorry for coming back but I really couldn’t control myself anymore. I tried so hard not to come here, I buried myself in work, tried to forget you but I can’t. I held myself back for 7 years but I’m dying inside.

I miss you, I want you back. I’m sorry for whatever I did and I wished I could take everything back and spend more time with you. I never should have left you alone. I never should have prioritised work over you. You mean the world to me. You still do.

I love you so much. Please, come back to me. I can’t handle not being with you. I miss you so much it hurts to wake up alone and not beside you. I tried so hard to move on, I dated this women for 3 years but when she asked me to marry her, I couldn’t.

Because you still have my heart. After all these years, you still own it. You still are the only person I ever want and I know you have moved on and build a life with someone else and even had children. But I just… I just… I can’t not be around you. It’s eating me alive. It’s painful, torturous and slow.

I thought you would call me after we won the award. I thought maybe after our divorce we could still meet up but you never called. I moved to London, I'm not in a cartel, I've changed. I started architecture and my business is doing well and I have enough people working for me I don’t have to work on weekends anymore.

Please come back, I miss you. So much, I love you with every cell in my body it kills me to be away from you." You grab her hand and place a kiss on it before slowing moving away to the door. You know you had screwed up, coming here asking her to come back to you was such a bad idea.

She would never agree, and you would just be broken again. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why can’t you just end her, forget her, and move on. She is like a drug, you're addicted and you can’t quit her no matter how hard you try. Forgetting her only makes you angry, tired and frustrated. She looks up at you and you immediately look away. You don’t want to look into her eyes because you know you will fall apart immediately. Her sky-blue eyes are simply captivating, it’s why you fell in love with her in the first place.

"I’m sorry," she croaks out and you hear your heart tearing itself apart, "I have indeed moved on and I can’t just throw away everything I have now. I’m happy with him, he’s good to me, and I wish that I could come back to you, I really do. But I can’t. 

You bite your lip and look at the ground. She reaches out to touch your cheek and you don’t pull away. You miss her touch, you body aches for her.

"Please." You whisper and you see guilt and regret in her eyes.

"I’m sorry."

"Don’t do this to me again…" She reaches in and gives you one last kiss but pulls away before you can deepen the kiss. The kiss just leaves you wanting more and you reach over for a waist but you quickly moves away.

"I can’t cheat on him."

"But you could cheat on me."

You freeze when you realise what you just said. She looks at you, guilt-ridden and shocked that you brought it up. At this moment, all you want to do is vanish. You instantly regret the words that left your mouth.

"I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant." You try to explain what you meant but she stops you. 

"I get it."

Silence fills the air and she stands up, motioning for you to leave. You try not to cry as you open the door.

"I’m sorry, I still love you."

She says nothing and you feel her watch you leave. You sigh and get in the car. You want to scream and yell at her. You hate it, you hate yourself for coming here. You gripped the steering wheels tightly as the tears escape and tricked down your face. Your vision goes blurry but you still drive on. You don’t care anymore.

You hear the sudden honking in a distance but you don’t stop. You wonder where you went wrong. You wonder why you can’t have her. Something slams into your car and you jam the brakes. Pain erupts in your body and you hear screaming and shouting. You moan in pain, biting your lips hard to stop yourself from screaming. You did this to yourself. You are such a mess, such a wreck. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to be with you.

You hear the wails of the ambulance in the distance. People are asking if you are okay but you don’t reply. You know you are trapped in a car and you know you are likely dying. It doesn’t matter anymore. This was for the best. The pain in your heart would finally end. You would finally be able to forget her.

Darkness overwhelms you and the last thought you have is of her. Everything goes black and you never wake up again.

"I love you so much."

**Author's Note:**

> could honestly be better


End file.
